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My fellow Vaudevillians,

Following the extraordinary success of the Cradle To Grave tour I was asked to reconsider my initial statement that I would never undertake such a venture again. The applause of the public can be a seductive narcotic and weaker souls than I would be tempted to repeat the thrills harvested during that  ‘uproarious whirligig of joy’ simply to bolster their already outsized egos.  After much reflection I have decided that I cannot allow such rampant narcissism to cloud my judgment. I said ‘one farewell’ tour’ and I meant ‘one farewell tour’. There will be no more.

Therefore I am pleased to announce that, to mark this momentous decision, I will be embarking on a nationwide, high-principled, peppy series of one-night-stands calling at dozens of theatres around the country starting in May 2018.

These exhibitions will be startling, high kicking, fresh, eruptive and often under three hours long. On this, once again, you have my word. To help me mark the festivities I will joined on some nights by both Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan – two of the nicest dogs I have ever owned.

I hope people will understand my resolve never to tour again and also why these upcoming performances are absolutely necessary to mark such a declaration. 

I hope you can once more attend to help celebrate my iron will in this matter and on the night reflect that, even in these fickle times, there are still men who will hold fast to their principles.

I am that man. So vote for me.  Sorry, not ‘vote’, I meant ‘come and see’.

It will be almost certainly your last chance.  To quote the philosopher Slocombe, “I am unanimous in that.’

Now raise the curtain, pour the drinks, play the music - because here we go again…